Author Topic:  the old me is dead and gone [tag; natsuo]  (Read 188 times)

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Offline Nakamura Yoshio

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the old me is dead and gone [tag; natsuo]
« on: August 29, 2017, 01:18:21 AM »
“Yuki, pay attention.”

He gave a sigh as he sat back in his chair, dark eyes scanning the near empty library his sister had pulled him to. She’d asked for his help and she was the one who needed reminding that they were working. He glanced over at her as she leaned over the back of her chair having a horrible time whispering to her friend. Yoshi shifted to stand, resting a hand on her shoulder, before he spoke. “Go ahead, talk to your friends. Come and find me when you’re done.” He moved to walk away from the table, simply walking along the books, letting his fingers run along the spines as he did.

This summer had been different, everything was. He was feeling more and hating himself even more for doing so. He wished that he had kept to himself, he wished that he hadn’t been made to see what falling in love felt like. It was too much. Too much responsibility. Too much pressure. Too much room for disappointment. He knew he would see Natsuo, but what would his heart do when it happened. IT had gone pitter patter during the summer when he took glimpses of the other boy along the beach and participating in activities. Yoshi had never regretted a choice as much as he did the one that hurt his ex. He couldn’t handle what it all meant, how serious he felt when he knew there would never be a day that Natsuo would feel the same.

Still, he would crumble under the others gaze and he would be the boy who felt. The boy who wanted something more then what he was allowed. He sighed softly as he leaned against the wall at the very end of two rows of books. His head dropped back on the cool surface as his eyes closed. He needed this moment to prepare himself for the days to come. He knew he would have to see the other boy eventually but he secretly hoped that it never happened. What would he say if they were face to face? How would he act and what would he feel? It was all so intense and confusing and he wasn’t sure he would ever fully grasp what it meant.

 @Sono Natsuo

Offline Sono Natsuo

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Re: the old me is dead and gone [tag; natsuo]
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2017, 03:19:34 AM »
Natsuo was a mess of feelings, more so than he normally was. Camp was supposed to make things easier, make things clearer but he was even more confused than before. It had started out as he had anticipated but then before he left, Ren had thrown him an emotional curve ball. The other boy had asked him to join his band, out of nowhere, and then they'd spent the most part of a night just talking and looking through Natsuo's poetry, like they'd never been enemies, like they had never fought. And them there was that moment on his bed where Natsuo was certain Ren wanted to be kissed, where they had almost kissed before a group of boys had come into the room and the delicate thread of their intimacy snapped.

Of course, it was better that they hadn't kissed. That would have ruined everything. And what if Yoshi had come into the cabin and seen his cousin making out with his ex-boyfriend? The other boy would probably never speak to him again. Not like he was speaking to him now, anyway. Not a word all through the summer, despite Natsuo's many notes and attempts to just get him alone for a second to say something, anything. He wanted to fix whatever was broken between them so they could be friends. He wasn't in love with Yoshi, but he missed his friend. Yoshi was one of the few people Natsuo felt okay being vulnerable with. After Ren had so very thoroughly crushed him, he had trouble really letting people in. But Yoshi was under his guards, had been since they were kids, all three of them hanging out.

And Natsuo's new Tengu responsibilities were not helping matters. He had practically no time to himself anymore. It was why he was stalking through a relatively empty part of the library. He just wanted a moment to breathe, to think. It seemed like fate wasn't going to give him that, as his eyes caught sight of Yoshi and his breath caught in his chest. Natsuo wasn't in love with the boy leaning against the stacks, but he still felt a visceral tug at seeing him, seeing his strong profile and the slight rise and fall of his chest.

He wondered if he should just leave, let Yoshi have this moment, but he gathered his courage and murmur softly. "Hello, Yoshi." His voice sounded rough in his ears, not quite like himself.
all my sleeves are stained red

from all the truths that I bled

Offline Nakamura Yoshio

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Re: the old me is dead and gone [tag; natsuo]
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2017, 11:05:17 AM »
”Hello, Yoshi.”

His heart stopped in his chest as the words echoed. His brows pulled together as he silently wished he was invisible. Slowly his eyes open and he found himself trapped in Natsuo’s gaze. He couldn’t move and the words he hoped to say wouldn’t come. He just stood there, as still as a statute, staring at the other boy. All his time avoiding and all the moments he would hide all amounted to nothing. They did nothing to help him now and he wished he’d at least spoken to the boy. But things had been too fresh, they still were. What was he to say to the other boy? Would he explain his reasoning or wait to see if the other even cared? Would they share a hushed argument as they did so frequently in the past? Would the tension slip away with a kiss or would there simply be no words at all?

He wondered before he spoke. “Hello, Natsuo.” His arms rose to cross over his chest as if guarding his heart from the other as it beat painfully in his chest. Seeing the other boy hurt more then he thought it would. Being so close ached and he wished that he didn’t feel a thing because at least then he could think. “Enjoy the summer?” His deep voice showed little interest as he pushed off his resting place to walk back down the line of books, towards his former friend. It was hard to say what they were now or what they would be. Hard to ignore the pull that was there, even harder to fight what he knew was bad for him.

His feet stopped, allowing some distance between them as his eyes drifted around the empty space behind Natsuo he could see. “I was hoping not to see you.” He said honestly before his eyes landed back on the older boy. “But it would seem that hopes really are dreams without action.” His voice was soft, the bass causing him to speak more gently because of where they were. “I’m sorry, Natsuo.” And he never apologized, not even if he was wrong but this boy did something different to him. He caused him to care.

Offline Sono Natsuo

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Re: the old me is dead and gone [tag; natsuo]
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2017, 08:01:42 PM »
Yoshi was hurting. His expression changed in only the faintest ways, like sand subtly shifting across a dune, but that didn't mean Natsuo didn't see it all the same. This was Yoshi. They had known each other since day school, had been close friends, confidants, lovers. While to other Yoshi might seem like a closed book written in an unknown language, Natsuo had no trouble seeing what was plainly there. And what he saw broke his heart all over again. His friend was in pain. It wasn't hard to guess that it had something to do with the older Kitsunebi.

"It was alright," he murmured, eyes tracing the lines of Yoshi's face and strong shoulders. "Traded one island for another, but it wasn't a bad time. You?" These were perfunctory things to say, just words with no real meaning. Everything important wasn't even being said. I missed you. I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to fix this. I'm sorry, so sorry... All these thought echoed in Natsuo's head, ringing in his ears, taunting him. He didn't know where to go from here, wondered if this was all they had now, just empty pleasantries.

Then Yoshi was speaking again, and his words cut Natsuo somewhere deep and hidden inside himself. His former lover surprised him with his next words, startling a chuckle out of him. "Sorry? Isn't that my line?" Natsuo shook his head. "You have reasons for wanting to leave. Good reasons. You don't need to be sorry." He took a breath, caught Yoshi up in his gaze again. "I'm sorry, too. I'm not really sure what happened, but Yoshi, I swear I never meant for it to end like this."

Natsuo ran his hand through his hair, feeling anxious. "I mean, you were my friend and I miss that. I miss you..."
all my sleeves are stained red

from all the truths that I bled

Offline Nakamura Yoshio

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Re: the old me is dead and gone [tag; natsuo]
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2017, 02:21:33 AM »
“I was useful for thinking.” He left it at that. His summer had been spent alone and left to his own sorrows. He hadn’t seen Ren until near the end and by then he was so deep in his own troubles it was hard for him to see a way back clearly. He could feel the tension, the rising awkwardness, between them. It made him uncomfortable and uncertain of himself. Natsuo’s chuckle took him mind back to better times. Happier times. He could see the older boy laughing with him, joking and enjoying their time together.

His gaze shifted as he blinked away the memories. Those were a distant past compared to what he felt now. Felt. He was the most angry because he felt anything. He wasn’t used to these strange emotions that rose when he thought of or was near the older boy. “How do you know my reasons are good if you can’t be sure what happened?” He didn’t want to have this talk with him, he would rather be at the table again annoyed with Yuki for being a kid. He would rather be anywhere else because being here hurt. It tore at something deep within him that he knew would never heal perfectly. What he felt, he felt it deep and with it came the scars he was so desperately trying to avoid.

”I miss you…”

A phrase he hoped Natsuo would never say. He shouldn’t be missed not when Yoshi wanted to be with the other boy. It made him want to crawl within himself because with this other boy he had been vulnerable. He had showed parts of himself to the older Kitsunebi that no other person would have the privilege to see. He had given this handsome boy more of himself then he had ever wished to give someone else. His brows came together and he wanted to yell, he wanted to scream because he wanted to kiss the person who ruined him. “We can never be friends, Natsuo.” He was trying to honest enough for the both of them.

“Everything is different now…” It would never be the same, not even if they fought their hardest. Yoshi couldn’t say the words, he couldn’t tell Natsuo that he loved him because he knew the words wouldn’t be repeated back. He had been warned, the boy have even tried to steer him in another direction. This was his own fault. The Kukan couldn’t blame anyone other than himself. He had given his love to someone recklessly. “This..” His arm pulled free from the warmth of his body so that he could point between them. “…nothing good comes from this.”

Offline Sono Natsuo

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Re: the old me is dead and gone [tag; natsuo]
« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2017, 06:26:08 AM »
Natsuo felt his temper flare as Yoshi dismissed the chance to repair their relationship so easily. "And why can't we?" He demanded, trying to keep his voice down. The librarians were none too fond of him after what happened last year, and he did not want to attract their attention now. "Yoshi, you are one of my oldest, closest friends!" He paced, all the nervous tension between them putting him on edge. "You've been there for me when I had no one else. I've let you see parts of me that no one else sees." Natsuo had no idea that he was mirroring Yoshi's own inner voice so perfectly. "I can't just accept that I've lost all of that. I won't."

He moved closer, defiance in his stance. "We can make something good. It's in our hands!" He wanted to shake the calm expression from Yoshi's face. A few months apart and he'd forgotten how infuriatingly inscrutable his lover's countenance could be. "Yoshi, whatever it was I did to drive you away, I'm sorry!" Natsuo felt his voice break a little, emotion clear on his face. "But I want to make it up to you, please? I don't want to lose you. If you're gone then there's no one..."

There's no one left, he finished silently. No one who knew the old Natsuo, the little boy who had been more shy and soft. There would be no one to open up to, to let himself be vulnerable with, to be close to. "Just tell me what I did," he begged softly. "I can fix this, I know I can, if I just know where to start."
all my sleeves are stained red

from all the truths that I bled

Offline Nakamura Yoshio

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Re: the old me is dead and gone [tag; natsuo]
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2017, 10:57:38 PM »
He had a million reasons why they couldn’t be friends, but he knew Natsuo could dispute him without hesitating. The Kukan had gone over this talk in his head and never had the older boy fought to keep him close. The Kitsunebi was saying all the things Yoshi was feeling, thinking. Ii was as if for a moment they shared a mind and each could feel the pain caused by the other. He stepped forward, pausing because he knew what would happen if he actually closed the distance. It was like a magnetic kind of tug in the center of his stomach that drew him to Natsuo. He wanted to be close to the other boy, he needed to be close to him.

Still he was hurt, even if most of his pain was his blame. Natsuo knew he could never love Yoshi and it didn’t truly dawn on the Kukan until it was already too late. He knew what he needed to do but if he flipped the switch would he hate Natsuo for making him void? He had spent time with his cousin Ren at the end of the summer, he had learned things about the across him that somehow made him worthy. Worthy of forgiveness. Yoshi watched him move closer and his body tense, his expression faltering for just a moment with just the slightly flicker of his brow. “Do you think we can really be friends after all we’ve been through?”

His hands fell to his side as he gave a sigh. All they had been through went beyond their relationship. They knew each other from childhood, Natsuo had been there when Yoshi’s father died. He’d leaned on the other boy and the rest of his friends. “We will stand around in awkward tense silence…” He frowned, his frustration written on his face. “Don’t you feel it? That uncertainty of what we can and can’t do?” He could feel the tension between them more because of the small distance that rested between them. He couldn’t tell Natsuo that he needed time to get over his feelings because that would mean admitting that he had fallen in love.

“You didn’t do anything.” He lied, but he knew where the blame rested. “I did.” He had fooled himself into believing that it could work. He had spent the summer in his own pitiful company, thinking about this very moment. Each time it had gone different in his head but it ends the same, always. They ended a long friendship and never spoke again.  Yet, as he stood before the Kitsunebi who fought for him his mind worked in a different way, thinking of something else instead of what he had assumed. What if he could be friends with Natsuo, what if by doing so he could get over what it was he was feeling? “I can’t give you all the answers to the questions you have…hell I can’t even tell you why I ended us.” But he could tell him; at least he knew the reason even if he never would say it aloud.

His eyes traced over the lines of the seventh years face, he could see the pain there. He had heard it in the breaking of his voice just moments ago. “I don’t want to hurt you, Natsuo.” It was his turn to pace, shaking his head. He had to admit to himself that he missed Natsuo, it had been why he’d avoided him. Why he had hidden in the waterfalls every chance he could. He’d seen the older boy running onto the beach from the water. He’d seen him laughing with other students during the story time. He avoided him because, yes he was hurt, and he missed him. He wanted to sit at a table and laugh with him but how could ever let himself?

A strong hand rose to push his finger through his hair as the Kukan stopped moving to look at the boy who had been in his life as long as a true friend could be. He’d avoided him giving them both the time and space they needed to understand what had happened. “I don’t like feeling this way.” He would rather not feel a thing. It was better, safer for them both. “You think I want to avoid you and ignore your requests to see you.” His voice rose a bit as he took a breath to calm himself.  He couldn’t see him, not in the condition he’d been in. He had been less then himself, a shell of the man he was supposed to be. He’d dropped low because his emotions had made him weak.

His father would be ashamed of him. Yoshi dropped his gaze as the thought crossed his mind, causing his brows to come together. “I don’t know how to do this, Natsuo.” He had been his first, everything. Yoshi, sighed shaking his head. Something he did quite a lot of. “How are we supposed to be around each other now?” They couldn’t be friends. It was impossible. The colder part of him wanted to push the older boy out of his way and simply walk away with him left standing there. This side, the side that had surfaced thought different. It told Yoshi to show compassion because it had been his own choice to date Natsuo, even after the Kitsunebi had told him it was a bad idea and somewhat explain why.

As always Yoshi had dived head first without caring about the consequences. This one had been on him and his might have lashed out at Natsuo but he was actually upset with himself. “How can we ever be friends when everything has changed?”

Offline Sono Natsuo

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Re: the old me is dead and gone [tag; natsuo]
« Reply #7 on: September 05, 2017, 02:38:26 AM »
It had hurt, when Yoshi had dumped him. It had come out of the blue, with no explanation and no real reason why. Natsuo had been a good boyfriend, at least he thought he was. He was attentive, sweet, and discrete since Yoshi wasn't out of the closet like he was. It had been good, hadn't it? Not just the physical, but the other stuff, too. They had studied and laughed and comforted each other. It was like being friends, but with a little bit more to it. When it ended, Natsuo had felt much more lost than when he'd ended things with Fei the year before. This had cut something deep.

But as he stood in front of Yoshi, watched him struggle with his emotions, and almost unheard of occurrence for the normally controlled Kukuan, he knew that the 'why' of the breakup didn't matter to him anymore. He didn't care why it had happened, he only knew that he'd be damned if he'd walk away from almost half a lifetime of friendship because he'd been too dumb and lonely to say no when Yoshi had come to him and asked to be his boyfriend. He'd known it couldn't end well, but he just wanted to feel a little less alone. He wanted to hold someone who knew him. Yoshi offered and Natsuo had given in.

Natsuo cared about this boy. He might not be in love but that didn't mean he wanted to ever see the other hurting like this. Natsuo used to be the one Yoshi ran to when he was having trouble dealing with things. Now, who would Yoshi turn to? Would he try and just push through, harden himself? Natsuo couldn't have that.

"Look, I know it won't be easy," he said, gesturing between them. "And yeah, it'll be awkward at first but I mean it's can't be any more awkward than after the first time we tried to, well, you know..." He offered Yoshi a little grin, inviting him to remember the first time they'd had sex, the way they'd ended up laughing for half of it because Natsuo's legs had fallen asleep half-way through. "But, damn it Yoshi, I refuse to just let what we had before this end!"

The older boy sighed, pushing his hair up, a habit he'd picked up from the lover across from him. "It'll take time," he said quietly. "Maybe a lot of time. I'm not saying it'll be alright by the time I graduate, or five, or ten years from now. But," he looked earnestly at the boy in front of him, "I swear to you I won't stop trying. I won't stop caring about you and checking up on you, and wondering what you're doing." He gave Yoshi a soft, sad smile. "Things change every day. It's just usually it happens so slowly we never notice until we look around and realize we're surrounded by strangers and we don't know our way home."

He took a chance, crossing the distance and wrapped Yoshi up in a tight hug. He'd hugged him like this before, when the younger boy's father had died. He held him like he could keep Yoshi from shaking apart from the inside, like he'd always be there to hug him like this, whenever he needed it. "I will always be your friend, Yoshi. No matter the years or the distance, you can always count on me for anything."

Natsuo released him, stepping away and putting the distance between them again. "Don't think just because you broke up with me means you can just get rid of me," he teased softly, giving the other the cocky grin he usually wore to hide his worry and his fear and his pain. Yoshi could see what was under the surface, but he hoped the Kukan appreciated the gesture.
all my sleeves are stained red

from all the truths that I bled

Offline Nakamura Yoshio

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Re: the old me is dead and gone [tag; natsuo]
« Reply #8 on: September 27, 2017, 01:00:05 AM »
He had a dull sort of ache in his heart these days. A cloud loomed over him only to darken his naturally less than sunny mood. Yoshi stared at the seventh year across from him and he could feel himself falling apart. He couldn’t do what Natsuo wanted of him, he knew he couldn’t, it would be too hard. He wasn’t designed to forgive, it was a weakness he was not allotted. The Kukan wasn’t sure why he needed to forgive the Kitsunebi. He couldn’t wade through his own sadness to remember what had come first, his anger or his despair. His hands rose to bury his fingers in his hair as he took a deep breath, steeling both himself and his emotions.

He gave a dry sort of chuckle as his mind drifted back, remembering fondly. Them working through their laughter to try and massage Natsuo’s leg back to life. Covering each other’s mouth to muffled the sound of their snickering when Yoshi swore he’d heard someone. His lips twitched, nearly curving up into a smile. Damn Natsuo and his ability to pull at the fine strings holding the pieces of his heart together. “I want to tell you that we stopped being friends the moment you became my boyfriend…I want to say all these hurtful things to you.” He stared passed the taller boy instead of directly at him. “But we didn’t and I can’t.”

He’d never felt such a pain before, it nearly felt all consuming. He could think, he could even function, but right at the pit of his stomach was a constant reminder. “I don’t think we will be alive long enough…” His gaze dropped, “…that’s what it feels like. I know it wasn’t something epic for you…but you,” he paused to shake his head “Maybe one day we could be friends…but right now,” he looked over at the Kitsunebi, sighing a bit “I don’t know how to do that.” He could try though, right? The Japanese boy only wanted to feel like himself again before he felt low enough to succumb to his sadness. 

He knew he didn’t want to completely lose the other boy, but could he ever bare to only have half of him? The warmth incased him and for a moment he was the younger version of himself, stricken to sadness by his father’s death. He wanted to melt into this other boy, wanted to let the tension slip from his body as he felt cared about. Hearing those words spoken aloud to him lifted something heavy from his shoulders. “I don’t get why you even want to continue to my friend..” he mumbled, honestly. Hadn’t Yoshi hurt him? Didn’t people part ways over the Kukan’s actions? Was it pity or regret making Natsuo want to keep him close?

“I don’t want to get rid of you.” His deep voice filled the cool space between them. “I’m not doing all this to punish you..” It was more to punish himself for being both stupid and weak. Oh, but he’d learned and never again would he allow himself this small lapse in his better judgment. “You have a million friends, Natsuo, I can’t be that important.” He gave the first smile since they’d started their conversation, “Besides, we both know I’m not a very good friend.”